Something that I believe all women have in common is that we want to be loved, pursued and known. Yes we want our closest friends and family to know us, but I think it goes even deeper than that when it comes to the man in our lives. Because these three things are so important to us and our female hearts, what happens when we don’t feel them? What happens when we long to feel special and cherished but we are bitterly disappointed by unmet expectations? Whether you are married, engaged, dating or single, I really think there is something in here for anybody.

Coming up on August 19 2019, my husband Petr and I will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary. In this short time, we have experienced so much together. We have been through the fun and exciting seasons and we have also endured the difficult ones. We have moved out of country, state and various cities in between. We have experienced both health and financial challenges. We have also enjoyed new jobs, family visits and vacations with friends. Through some of these experiences and challenges along the way I found myself facing feelings of rejection, frustration and emptiness. These feelings which festered over time left me resentful and bitter towards my husband. I can’t say that I’ve discovered the magical step to step guide on how to have a perfect marriage, but I hope that sharing a piece of my story may help you along your journey too.

Like many couples out there, Petr and I are two very different individuals. He loves sports, get-togethers and adventures with friends. I love books, organizing our home and hanging out with him. Petr is very outgoing and I’m more of an introverted type. He enjoys being with people essentially all of the time and I’m almost always happy just being by myself or with him. As you can imagine, this has caused some tension in our relationship. I love my husband but sometimes I can get frustrated with him because he doesn’t do things the way that I think they should be done; efficiently, orderly and like..right away. I can also get frustrated with him for having fun doing things that I will never see the point in like playing sports, watching sports and catching up on the latest sports news. Petr can become frustrated with me when all I want to do is watch movies at our house  and avoid a group activity. In the same way we differ in our entertainment preferences, we also have different desires and ideals on how we wish to be loved and cared for. People typically express love the way they want it to be expressed to them. Where the issue can lie, is that their partner also does the same thing. Because of this gap, both partners can feel hurt or empty when their specific needs are not being met. For example, I feel hurt when Petr wants to go golfing all day with the guys or when his very full work schedule sometimes gets in the way of our quality time. He feels hurt when I snap at him instead of calmly explaining how I feel about something or when I nag him for not doing something the “right” way. You may be reading this thinking to yourself “if only my problems were this small”. It’s true some problems are smaller than others but sometimes the small things can turn into big things if they aren’t dealt with properly.

You have to communicate with your spouse when you are hurt but you also have to make sure your own heart is in the right place. It’s human nature to play the blame game and decide that you’re the only one being wronged. So yes it’s a very real thing to feel hurt by the people closest to you but what are you putting your focus on? “He doesn’t do this right, he never does this for me, I wish he would do this, why can’t he just do that?”. What do all of these thoughts have in common? They are all focussing on what the other person is doing wrong. That is why it’s so important to recognise that although seeing things differently can pose as a challenge, it can also be such an advantage once you are able to get past the hurt. God created us uniquely, we were not meant to be clones. There is beauty to be found in our differences. Petr’s weaknesses are my strengths and my weaknesses are his strengths. You can learn to view it that way or you can keep trying to change your spouse to become more like you (which I promise will never work).

When I was at a low point dealing with something emotionally difficult for me to process through, my sister randomly messaged me one day and said I needed to listen to one particular podcast (no. 12) by Lisa and John Bevere. While I was listening, there was a question that completely wrecked me. Lisa was talking about a wilderness season she was experiencing in her marriage because of a gap her husband was not filling in her life and one day God said to her “Tell me, am I enough for you?”. In that moment I realized that I had been putting my focus on the wrong thing. I was allowing my disappointment in another human beings’ shortcomings become more important to me than my Heavenly Father’s perfect love. I was choosing rejection and bitterness over God’s acceptance and joy. I was trying to do God’s job for Him. It wasn’t my job to try and “fix” my husband in the same way that it isn’t Petr’s job to try and “fix” me. It’s important to remember that we are all on a journey. We are all learning and growing and we need to have patience with the process.

One thing that Petr has always been annoyingly good at is forgiving fast. It blows my mind because it doesn’t matter what I have done or said to hurt him, he just lets it go. Between the two of us he’s typically always the quickest to come and apologize (I’m working on being better at this now). He never holds onto the things he has forgiven me for and I greatly admire this about him. Since this is an area of weakness for me, I was holding onto things that I should have already let go of. I wasn’t allowing God to be enough for me and fill those spaces where I felt empty and hurt. It was my job to rest in the Lord and go to Jesus with my disappointments and leave them there at His feet. I had to trust that God would take care of it.

So ultimately, I had a decision to make. I could either let all of the hurt continue to break apart my intimacy with my husband, or decide to let it go, drop it at my Father’s feet and work towards oneness with Petr. I’m not perfect and I don’t always get it right but I decided to do the latter. I started taking my disappointments to the Lord every single time. I would pour out my complaints to God and then praise Him for being the good and faithful Father that He is. Bringing your complaints to the Lord isn’t a bad thing; it’s actually what we are meant to do. This is what David did whenever he felt totally overwhelmed, scared and hurt. Psalm 142:2 says

I pour out before him my complaint; before him I tell my trouble.

When I started to do this every time I felt hurt, my focus started to shift. I started to see the beauty in the ashes. I started to see that in my struggles and trials, God was working on my behalf. I decided to focus on being thankful despite feeling thankless. Sometimes you just have to praise even when you don’t feel like it. These painful moments with God are often my most cherished and intimate times with Him because I’m choosing to go to Him when all I really want to do is feel sorry for myself. In these moments, we actually gain an opportunity to outwork our faith and grow our connection with God. It’s easy to praise when things are going well but how well are we pressing in when times are difficult?

Not only did I need to learn to grow my connection with the Lord, I had to learn how to grow my connection with my husband. What does this look like practically? I started to realize all of the times that I could have risen to an occasion and been there for my husband in support but didn’t. Living in my own hurt had actually been keeping me so focussed on myself that I didn’t have time to see that Petr had needs and desires too. Have you ever chosen to stay rooted in your hurt and possibly given your spouse the silent treatment to try and “prove” something to him? This is a classic response to feeling wounded and it’s one I have chosen many times. It is reacting out of defense rather than choosing a response that leads to relationship (connection). We are called to be our husband’s helper, supporter and partner (Genesis 2:18).  That means we are on the same team! Big sidenote: In today’s society this can have a negative connotation. People see being a “help-mate” as being somehow weaker or less than. This is absolutely not true. In fact, God chose to give women one of His own names (Psalm 10:14, 27:9, 118:7, Hebrews 13:6).

I understand that feelings are very real and I understand that a lot of you have been extremely hurt and wronged by your spouse. For that I am so sorry. But ask yourself this question: Is your worth and identity rooted in Christ or is it somewhere else? Do you allow what your husband did to you or what he hasn’t done for you determine how you view yourself? Whatever offenses your holding onto (regardless of how small or big they are), please let them go and forgive. Not only is it better for your marriage,  it’s actually a command. God gives us grace and forgiveness and he tells us to do the same for others, this means our spouse too. Ephesians 4:32 says that we are to

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

So what do you do when you don’t feel pursued, known or loved? You give those feelings to the Lord, forgive your spouse and look inwards. Ask for God’s help. In the same way you bring God your sacrifice of praise, love your husband even when you don’t feel like it. It’s a sacrifice. It’s beautiful. Embrace the intimate moments with God when you are troubled. Treat your man the way you would want to be treated even when it seems impossible to do. We were also never meant to do it on our own. God gave us himself and others to help us. Surround yourself with some ladies who can help lift you up and speak life into your situation.

What would happen if you were able to let go of every offense and disappointment you’ve felt in your marriage and give it all to God? What would happen if whenever you felt hurt or wronged you brought your complaints and struggles to Jesus and thanked Him for being faithful? I believe you owe it to yourself and your marriage to at least try. Remember that God restores. He makes all things new. He will make beauty from the ashes.